Are you in between gigs? Figuring shit out? Ruminating that stupid-ass English degree that sucked all the pocket beers out of your soul? If your decision to honour your passion for the liberal arts meant turning your back on the same 8-month Real Estate program that catapulted Cletus, the undead dud, into a 7-room mansion and an advisory position at the local tennis club, then you might benefit from a little reframing of your current unemployment situation (and associated miseries.)
The key here, is sorcery. It’s all about crafting an image you can sell with convincing sincerity so that not even your own conscience can distinguish between the real, broke-ass you, and the pure awesomeness the newly adopted you is about to parade all over everywhere.
Ready to reconstitute your pride? Then stick to the following list of existential hacks and start making the most of your boring, broke-ass, totally meaningless day.
1. Get up off of Your Ass and Head to the Gym (Drive straight past the gym until you reach that cheap AF cafe where a buck and change buys you bottomless coffee, all-day Netflix at the corner table, and the illusion of prominence. #LikeABoss)
2. Fire off a Few Resumes Before Day-Drinking With the UI Crowd (But tszuj them up, dammit. Add a phony-ass lie or two. Make it worth your while. Then, when the offers come pouring in you can feel pretty excellent about day-drinking with the UI crowd. #TopReject)
3. Organize Your Office (Or the couch. Whatever. Just…rearrange pillows, or something. Accomplish a goal and you’ll feel like a champ. #Winning)
4. Wazz Up a Kale Smoothie (But swap out the kale for a crap load of vodka – you’re about to feel great! #PassingOutVegan)
5. Do Yoga! (kidding… that was a stupid-ass joke lol. You can’t afford Yoga)
6. Post a Carefully Crafted Humble Brag On Facebook (Make it big. Make it believable. Make people cry. Look at you now! #SocialMediaRockStar)
7. Pass Yourself off as an Intellectually Superior Success Story on LinkedIn by Posting Articles You Don’t Even Understand (Pointer: Nail that down by throwing in a few bullshit buzzwords with hash tags #Disruptor #ChiefStoryteller #ContentDruid)
8. Remind Yourself: Things Could Be Worse (You could have been born Randy Quaid, but you weren’t. #CelebratingYou)